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There are certain days where everything annoys me; the sound of Tom chewing, Dylan talking to himself, the dog barking, loud noises, and bright lights. The list goes on and on. Just as annoying is the sound of my own Sigh. I attempt to turn the sigh into a “deep breath.” I read somewhere, not sure where and I don’t feel like looking up the site to cite it, that taking 6-10 deep, cleansing breaths a day can substantially decrease stress. I wonder if these sighs count. They are, ultimately, deep breaths. However, I do not feel any less stressed after the sighs that seem to come fast and furious, on some days. I realize and acknowledge these days as my “bad days.” I do not know if it stems from the chronic pain or the exhaustion, or maybe I am just having a bad day.
Today is the day before Dylan goes away to camp for two weeks and I am having a bad day. The pain medicine is not helping, I am exhausted, and I am stressed about Dylan going to camp tomorrow. He is eight. He asked to go to this camp and I know he will be perfectly fine away from home for two weeks, even though he is only eight. But tonight he has made me second guess the previous statement. Today he reminded me that he has Autism. He is all over the place, literally. My girlfriend was sitting on the couch breastfeeding her baby. She had a Cover-up over the baby for privacy and Dylan, without thought, lifted the cover up to look at the baby. Normally, and for most kids, it probably wouldn’t have been a huge deal because we all know kids are curious and impulsive, but Dylan did it with such intrusiveness it made my easy going friend a little frazzled, or maybe I was frazzled and assumed she was too. Dylan continued to flop around, dancing and singing loudly, and not listening to my pleas of calmness. I told him over and over again to calm down, I removed him from the room over and over again; thank God we were getting ready to leave. This is normal behavior for a child with Autism. The friends we were with all understand Dylan, but I was the one having the most trouble with him. My heart was racing, I was more irritable, and ALL of my patience was gone. I do not want to spend his last night at home for two weeks, with me yelling at him. I worry he is going to act like this at camp and I am going to get a phone call to pick him up. We plan to medicate him, as we do when he is in school, which will help with these behaviors, but will it be enough?
Mostly Dylan appears like a normal kid, except for nights like tonight. Tonight he appears like an undisciplined, unruly, rude, and disrespectful child. And of course that makes us, his parents, appear incompetent. Sometimes I worry that we are incompetent. Should we be doing something different? Should we take parenting classes or attend the support groups? We know Dylan is exceptionally smart, so is he pulling one over on us? Should we punish him more, take away his computer, stand him in a corner? Dylan not only has Autism, but he is our first born, so we are learning to parent for the first time with him, and we are learning how to parent a child with Autism for the first time, with him.
I do not wish I could change Dylan; he is who he is because he has Autism. I do wish I wouldn’t get annoyed with him because he has Autism. Would I get annoyed with my blind or deaf child because he/she were blind or deaf? Children with Autism have annoying behaviors, but they are unable to control them because the symptoms are part of having Autism. Dylan repeats himself over and over, ad nauseum; he does not follow directions the first time because he has to process the need for the instructions. Dylan asks questions and talks without any regard for others. He is attached to a 3-foot, stuffed duck and he yells more than he talks. All of these things annoy me about Dylan; all of these things are a result of Autism. I wish I wouldn’t get annoyed with Dylan because of his Autistic symptoms.
I said before, I do not wish to change Dylan. The problem is mine, not his. Dylan has so many positive qualities, and I know and do, try to focus on his positive qualities. But, when you live with a child like Dylan, it is sometimes very difficult to focus on the positive qualities when you are having a “bad day.”
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